Depression and Demons
Last time I wrote, about over two months ago, I mentioned that I had a stricture. I felt absolutely stuck. I still do. At this point, however, I have some more information, and a path to progress, somewhat.
First, I was going through a lot of changes and loss recently. I've been dealing with the mutual ending of my relationship, as well as a temporary layoff and switch in companies at work. I was very anxious and depressed, which made waiting for my appointment with the specialist in May unbearable. That, along with prolonged nausea and vomiting, added to my stress. Yet I held on.
Second, I had two endoscopes done with both a gastroenterologist and a surgeon to assess the issues with my stomach. The blockage was confirmed by the gastro and redefined by the surgeon as a "gastro-gastric fistula". It's a connection between my new stomach pouch and my old one that is small, but noticeable enough to be a major problem to say the least. It's like my old stomach is a scorned lover who won't get the hint--I don't need you anymore! So, in order for my old stomach to get the picture and stop trying to digest my food, which isn't working, by the way, the surgeon has to do a gastric revision.
In June, the surgeon attempted to open up my stomach to allow me to eat more solid foods again with a balloon, but it didn't work, so now he is considering an open revision. The only thing is that in order to reduce the risk of further complications after surgery, he wants me to be at or under 200 pounds before the procedure. Right now, that means I need to lose at least 25 pounds before I can even think about getting another surgery. It's crazy, right? For two years, I have worked so hard to lose weight with gastric bypass and can barely eat, and now if I want to get any kind of relief from the constant nausea and vomiting, I have to lose even more weight.
When I first found out on Monday, I was angry and frustrated, especially with myself. I worked so hard to lose weight, and it's still not good enough. Recovery from gastric bypass has definitely tested my patience. Yes, things have been difficult, yet I also have to remember that I've come so far from where I was before. I thought that I would be morbidly obese forever. Now I'm working on being much healthier and becoming more active. On Saturday, I went to Natural Bridge Caverns in San Antonio, Texas, and walked the entire Discovery Tour. I actually went through a cave! I definitely wouldn't have been able to do that a few years ago at 360 pounds! Ha!
Now, however, I'm thinking that maybe my stomach issues, even though they are painful and miserable, are a blessing in disguise. Not being able to eat as much as I would like to may help me lose more weight eventually and reach my goal. Even though I feel like I barely eat anything, I know that at times, I am still eating the wrong types of foods, even if it is in smaller amounts. I've also fallen into a kind of "snacking syndrome". Since I can't eat "square" meals right now, I just graze throughout the day, almost like an animal.
That's kind of sad, now that I think about it. Eating compulsively throughout my life has turned me into a monster, almost like I'm not even human. It seems as if my food addiction has truly spiraled out of control. I thought that weight loss surgery freed me from disordered eating, but it is very much still embedded in my mind. Weight loss is as much as, if not more so, a mental than a physical battle. The pounds may fall away, but the demons still remain.
Peace always,
Vanessa
First, I was going through a lot of changes and loss recently. I've been dealing with the mutual ending of my relationship, as well as a temporary layoff and switch in companies at work. I was very anxious and depressed, which made waiting for my appointment with the specialist in May unbearable. That, along with prolonged nausea and vomiting, added to my stress. Yet I held on.
Second, I had two endoscopes done with both a gastroenterologist and a surgeon to assess the issues with my stomach. The blockage was confirmed by the gastro and redefined by the surgeon as a "gastro-gastric fistula". It's a connection between my new stomach pouch and my old one that is small, but noticeable enough to be a major problem to say the least. It's like my old stomach is a scorned lover who won't get the hint--I don't need you anymore! So, in order for my old stomach to get the picture and stop trying to digest my food, which isn't working, by the way, the surgeon has to do a gastric revision.
In June, the surgeon attempted to open up my stomach to allow me to eat more solid foods again with a balloon, but it didn't work, so now he is considering an open revision. The only thing is that in order to reduce the risk of further complications after surgery, he wants me to be at or under 200 pounds before the procedure. Right now, that means I need to lose at least 25 pounds before I can even think about getting another surgery. It's crazy, right? For two years, I have worked so hard to lose weight with gastric bypass and can barely eat, and now if I want to get any kind of relief from the constant nausea and vomiting, I have to lose even more weight.
When I first found out on Monday, I was angry and frustrated, especially with myself. I worked so hard to lose weight, and it's still not good enough. Recovery from gastric bypass has definitely tested my patience. Yes, things have been difficult, yet I also have to remember that I've come so far from where I was before. I thought that I would be morbidly obese forever. Now I'm working on being much healthier and becoming more active. On Saturday, I went to Natural Bridge Caverns in San Antonio, Texas, and walked the entire Discovery Tour. I actually went through a cave! I definitely wouldn't have been able to do that a few years ago at 360 pounds! Ha!
Now, however, I'm thinking that maybe my stomach issues, even though they are painful and miserable, are a blessing in disguise. Not being able to eat as much as I would like to may help me lose more weight eventually and reach my goal. Even though I feel like I barely eat anything, I know that at times, I am still eating the wrong types of foods, even if it is in smaller amounts. I've also fallen into a kind of "snacking syndrome". Since I can't eat "square" meals right now, I just graze throughout the day, almost like an animal.
That's kind of sad, now that I think about it. Eating compulsively throughout my life has turned me into a monster, almost like I'm not even human. It seems as if my food addiction has truly spiraled out of control. I thought that weight loss surgery freed me from disordered eating, but it is very much still embedded in my mind. Weight loss is as much as, if not more so, a mental than a physical battle. The pounds may fall away, but the demons still remain.
Peace always,
Vanessa
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