Peace, Love, and Protein Shakes: Vanessa's Bariatric Blog

Back at the treatment house after a week of being at a treatment hospital for suicidal thoughts. Upon intake at the treatment house, the interviewer felt it was best for me to go to the emergency room. After a few days, on the 20th, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. I spent seven days there.  Yesterday afternoon, I was sent back to the treatment house. I had a good day. I slept fairly well, but I am now dealing with some natural issues with my body. I should be fine in a few days.  My estimated check out date from this house will be on Tuesday if all goes well. I'm thinking it should because I am staying on my medications. I also have a meeting with my case manager on Monday morning. I hardly ever see her, but I'm guessing they worked something out since I had to go to the hospital and everything. I'm happy to report that I am glad I held on to my life and decided to continue on my journey, mentally and physically. The weight loss will come in time. I also need to...

     It's been six years since my surgery, and yet I am facing the same issues. I need to get back on track.      I just did five minutes on my exercise bike, the same amount that I do every time I get on the bike. 5 whole, whopping minutes. I should, however, give myself some credit for doing something. Something is always better than nothing. Never stop starting over, right?      However, I am tired of always starting over. I feel like I'm in some infinite loop and I can't seem to get off the hamster wheel, chasing a proverbial carrot going to absolutely nowhere.      Sometimes, I get really good, and I even bring a friend with me to workout. Then I lose track all over again.      I'm even trying to get right with God. My church is having a weight loss challenge, and I'm participating. Now I have to really work hard and achieve weight loss not just for myself, but for others as well. I don't want to...

I have been in a weight plateau for several months, and it is really soul crushing and frustrating. My scale and I are not on the best of terms right now. I haven't been consistent with my exercise. I am trying to walk more, but it isn't enough. My exercise bike hasn't been touched in over a month. I really need to shake things up with my diet and exercise routine. I drink at least one protein shake a day. However, I would like more variety in my diet, so I eat solid foods on occasion, especially at social functions. I find myself snacking more than I would like as well. Yet each “variation” in my diet is only increasing my weight gain and furthering my plateau, so I am also working on being more mindful of what I eat. I used to keep food journals to keep myself accountable in the past, though, and found it hard to stick with.  It seems as if I'm stuck in an endless cycle. I want to control my diet and exercise, yet I am also a human being, and therefore, a...

It's been three years since my surgery, and I've gone from about 360 pounds to about 250, which means that the "honeymoon" period in my relationship with weight loss surgery is way over, and I'm basically in maintenance mode. It's not the most ideal place to be, but it's not bad either. It could be so much worse. Issues and complications aside, I'm still here and surviving, and that's all that matters. I would like to eat more solid foods and have more of a variety in my diet, but a revision surgery on my initial gastric bypass operation isn't feasible with my current doctor until I lose at least 50 pounds. I think I can do that by the next year or so, but who knows? I'm not setting any strict deadlines at the moment. It's soul crushing and unrealistic to think that after three years post-op, I can actually lose 20 pounds in a month with minimal effort again. If I want to lose this remaining weight, I have to earn it, pound by pound...

I thought that I made my last entry for 2018 a few weeks ago, but I decided to reflect on the year. 2018 was surprising and difficult, yet I am still thankful. As this year comes to a close, I want to take time to remember what I am thankful for. I am thankful for my Creator, because They have made me and kept me alive for a purpose, even in trying times. I am thankful for my family, who always stood beside me and loved me through the good and the bad. I am thankful for my friends, who showed me that I am worthy of love, and that I can enjoy being single. You, dear reader, are one of those friends. Thank you so much for your loyalty! I am thankful for my work, because it gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. I am thankful for my emotions, both negative and positive, because they make me feel more human, alive, and have greater empathy for others. I am thankful for my body, because even though it is not perfect, it is my own , rolls, curv...

If there were one word to summarize how I’ve been feeling since my last entry, it would be: stuck. I’ve been stalled in my weight-loss journey, and while it is discouraging and depressing to say the least, I am still trying to hold onto hope that things will change for the better. Yesterday, I had a visit with the surgeon who I started seeing earlier this year, and he is still willing to work with me, but he wants to wait until next year to do any additional surgery. It’s so hard to wait, but the last thing I need are any additional complications that would come with another surgery. It’s almost three years since gastric bypass (three!), and I’m barely recovering from that, so I know that waiting is for the best, and for my ultimate health and safety. I wish that I had more positive news to report, but sadly, dear reader, I don’t. Here’s hoping for a better and brighter—and healthier!—2019. Peace always, Vanessa

Last time I wrote, about over two months ago, I mentioned that I had a stricture. I felt absolutely stuck. I still do. At this point, however, I have some more information, and a path to progress, somewhat. First, I was going through a lot of changes and loss recently. I've been dealing with the mutual ending of my relationship, as well as a temporary layoff and switch in companies at work. I was very anxious and depressed, which made waiting for my appointment with the specialist in May unbearable. That, along with prolonged nausea and vomiting, added to my stress. Yet I held on. Second, I had two endoscopes done with both a gastroenterologist and a surgeon to assess the issues with my stomach. The blockage was confirmed by the gastro and redefined by the surgeon as a "gastro-gastric fistula". It's a connection between my new stomach pouch and my old one that is small, but noticeable enough to be a major problem to say the least. It's like my old stomach is a...

It's been two years since I've had surgery, and the one question I still get asked by people when I've told them about having gastric bypass is this: "Should I get it???" My not-so-definitive answer is this: Yes, and only if you're sure. This is because one, I've had it. And I've survived. If you'd met me a few years ago, I would have been the LEAST likely person to have qualified for surgery. I was headstrong and devoted to junk. Whataburger, Chinese takeaway, and Mexican breakfast tacos were a way of life for this near native of Corpus Christi, Texas. I've lived in Corpus since I was three, so I'm not a native Texan, but I got here as fast as I could, haha! So I know what it's like to have the mentality of a native Texan and yet have the stomach of a toddler. It is hellish and frustrating. But.... There are some great benefits. Near reversal of my diabetes! My A1c is a 5 at the moment.  No more sleep apnea mask! I can t...

It's been two months since I've updated, and yet, I just threw up for the umpteenth time. It’s not even funny anymore; it’s just a sad and pathetic complication from surgery. Yet I chose to get gastric bypass surgery, and I must learn to wield this tool alone. However, sometimes I just need a break. A carpenter doesn’t hold their hammer or saw 24 hours a day. Why should I have to hold my sword all the time? But I digress. I think it’s time that I describe where I am as far as my philosophy on “Peace, Love, and Protein Shakes” is concerned. First, I am finding peace within myself, a little bit each day. I am seeking peace, always. Interestingly, I am also experiencing love, not just on a personal level, but on a romantic level as well. Last month, I officially declared my relationship with my best guy friend to be a romantic one. It’s been amazing. I’m glad that we started out as friends because it’s given us a great foundation and springboard for growth. I don’...

It seems that my brain may also need to go on a diet. I was thinking about this earlier this morning. It’s hard when I look at myself in the mirror sometimes because I still see my obese self, even though my brain and body know that I’m not. I certainly don’t even eat like an obese person either. My “fat” brain thinks I’m ugly and unworthy of affection. My “fat” brain doesn’t want attention. My “fat’ brain just sucks and needs to just go away already. My lighter brain, however, is starting to see some positive physical attributes in me, such as strong calves. My lighter brain wouldn’t mind being noticed sometimes. I need to lose my “fat” brain to make room for my lighter, more optimistic brain. Wow. I didn’t know that my brain needed to go on a diet as well! This recovery process is crazy! I thought that I’d mainly have to deal with physical challenges, but the mental challenges are proving even more difficult. I have more mood swings than I already have had in the past. I...

I have been working out regularly—never thought I’d say that last year! —since June 15 th , 2017. That’s a little over 2 weeks. It has been challenging, but worth it. I love being consistent in the healthy habit of exercise. Yeah, I said that I love exercise. Weird. So, in a way, I’m glad that the blood clot was a wake-up call to get active. What I’m not happy about, however, is that despite my best efforts, I am at a plateau. I haven’t lost any more weight. I know that a year or so after weight loss surgery, the rapid weight loss, or “honeymoon” period ends and weight loss is harder to maintain, but dang, it’s soul crushing. Also, I just read an article from The Cleveland Clinic that says that weight gain after exercise is common due to water shifting in the body and muscle gain, plus the recovery process. Well, duh. I’m sure I’ve read this in some fitness magazine in the past, but I forgot. It doesn’t make things any easier to deal with, but at least I have an explanation. ...

Two good things: -           I visited my therapist yesterday. -           Today is my mother’s 64 th birthday! Not a day over 35! I love this woman! Therapy turned out to be very helpful, even though I hadn’t been able to attend since Valentine’s Day for various reasons. My therapist (a Female) and I had a catch-up session. My eating (or lack of, really) was a definite topic for discussion. While my therapist isn’t sure on how to exactly help me with my food aversion and eating issues (it’s not her job, though), she was very sympathetic. I told her that my eating is like one big science experiment gone wrong. I’m basically like a finicky toddler, digestion-wise. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, but persistent nausea and vomiting makes it difficult. My therapist was concerned, though, about acid damaging my esophagus, but I haven’t had any issues so far. Thank goodness! ...

I went to my primary care doctor on Wednesday. While he is pleased with my progress, I am not. I have maintained my overall weight loss, yet I am now stalled. I am about 20 pounds away from “Onederland” (as it is known in the weight loss surgery community), or being under 200 pounds. I should be happy, right? Yet I am not, and that bothers me. I am learning day by day that recovery from weight loss surgery and food addictions is a lifelong process, and it doesn’t end several weeks out of the hospital. Change is inevitable, yes, but it also takes time . The problem is that I have never been a patient person. Case in point: I was born two months prematurely. So when it comes to where I’m at in my recovery process, I want to be done already. It’s been a little over a year now. Where’s my happy ending? I guess that was a stupid question. Why should I expect happiness in my life just because I survived a near fatal operation? Other people survive much worse things. At least I ...

Hello. My name is Vanessa, and I’m…. NOT a food addict??? I used to think that I was. In fact, right up until about thirty minutes ago, when I started browsing videos online about food addiction. I’d been reading a bariatric support blog, this one being Bariatric Girl ( http://www.bariatricgirl.com/ ), and I found this blog post about cross addictions after weight loss (such as alcohol, shopping, sex, exercise, etc.), and this video was mentioned: http://www.oprah.com/own-addicted-to-food/Exposed-Withdrawal-Pains This video is short, but very moving and poignant. I could relate to both Tinisha’s and Tennie’s emotional experiences, now that I am a year post gastric bypass. Yet I still needed to know more. So I went onto YouTube and simply typed in, “Addicted to Food”, and I found this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BbWaB3RiTI This is from The Institute for the Psychology of Eating, which, surprisingly, having majored in Psychology, didn’t even know existe...

Two blog posts in one week, and consecutively? Nice! I had another letter to write in my open letter challenge tonight that I thought would be appropriate for this blog, as it has to do with the one thing I have despised the most in my life--my own body. Here it is. Warning: it's really personal. Yet I am willing to be vulnerable in sharing this anyway, as it is part of my weight loss journey. Dear Body, I have to be honest and admit that I have never liked you, ever. I have loathed your existence ever since I was made aware of the fact that I was overweight as a child, and eventually, obese until 2016, when I had gastric bypass surgery. I have always de-emphasized and minimized you because you were a constant source of public spectacle, ridicule, and embarrassment. I instead chose to be cerebral and neurotic, existing mainly from the neck up, especially my mind. In fact, even though I have lost weight. I still despise you greatly. You are still completely uncooperative a...

I wrote this letter as part of an open letter challenge that I started at the beginning of this year, and then resumed this month. Today, the option was to write a letter of my choice, and fittingly, I decided to write a letter to my gastric bypass surgery. Doing this exercise was very helpful, and I hope it gives you insight on my progress. Thank you for reading. Dear Gastric Bypass, You have provided me with many positives and new opportunities. Even though I nearly died after surgery last year, I am still grateful for what you have done and allowed me to accomplish in a short amount of time. In less than a year, I have lost 150 pounds and am currently maintaining it. I went from being 360 pounds and a size 26/28, even a size 30 in some stores, and now I am an 18/20, which allows me to shop at more regular and socially acceptable stores. I have a greater desire to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, as well as attempt to socialize, if only for a short time. I feel li...