Coming to Terms

I went to my primary care doctor on Wednesday. While he is pleased with my progress, I am not. I have maintained my overall weight loss, yet I am now stalled. I am about 20 pounds away from “Onederland” (as it is known in the weight loss surgery community), or being under 200 pounds. I should be happy, right?

Yet I am not, and that bothers me. I am learning day by day that recovery from weight loss surgery and food addictions is a lifelong process, and it doesn’t end several weeks out of the hospital. Change is inevitable, yes, but it also takes time.

The problem is that I have never been a patient person. Case in point: I was born two months prematurely. So when it comes to where I’m at in my recovery process, I want to be done already. It’s been a little over a year now. Where’s my happy ending? I guess that was a stupid question. Why should I expect happiness in my life just because I survived a near fatal operation?

Other people survive much worse things. At least I had anesthesia. I should be more grateful. But I digress. Things could always be worse.

I’m also, not surprisingly, having to change my idea of what “eating” means for me post-op. Three square meals a day can’t be my M.O. anymore. It will never be again. Goodbye multi-course meals, consistent snacking, and convenience/fast foods. I am no longer like the majority of the world when it comes to eating and food. I am in a minority, and it is very isolating.

Needless to say, I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner this year. I don’t even know what I will do in October for my (gasp!) 30th birthday. I know it’s several months away, but this year is going by so fast! I might as well prepare now.

Yeah. And I’m still on a primarily liquid diet. I am trying to advance my diet, but I’m like one big science experiment gone wrong, with lots of errors and inconclusive results.

I despise failure. It is the one thing I refuse to accept in myself, even when procrastination tries so desperately to be my best friend. So I know that I have to suck it up, step up, and keep trying. Keep calm and carry on, right?

Surgery for weight loss is NOT “the easy way out”. Anyone who says that is either one of these things:
1.      Misinformed
2.      Delusional
3.      Never had a weight loss issue, period.

Because I can tell you right now that it is not. This year has been the hardest year of my life to date, and just when I think I’m managing and things can’t just get worse, it does, monumentally.

But that’s life, right? I have to accept that. This is all my fault, right? I did this to myself, right? I put the food in my mouth, right? So I deserve to be overweight. I deserve to be miserable. I did the damage to my body, so I have to take the responsibility. This is what I deserve. Everyone has their issues and challenges. Weight loss and food addiction are two of mine.

Welcome to the dark side of bariatric life. I wish none of this for you. Ever.

Peace always,


Vanessa

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