Peace, Love, and Protein Shakes: Vanessa's Bariatric Blog

It's been two months since I've updated, and yet, I just threw up for the umpteenth time. It’s not even funny anymore; it’s just a sad and pathetic complication from surgery. Yet I chose to get gastric bypass surgery, and I must learn to wield this tool alone. However, sometimes I just need a break. A carpenter doesn’t hold their hammer or saw 24 hours a day. Why should I have to hold my sword all the time? But I digress. I think it’s time that I describe where I am as far as my philosophy on “Peace, Love, and Protein Shakes” is concerned. First, I am finding peace within myself, a little bit each day. I am seeking peace, always. Interestingly, I am also experiencing love, not just on a personal level, but on a romantic level as well. Last month, I officially declared my relationship with my best guy friend to be a romantic one. It’s been amazing. I’m glad that we started out as friends because it’s given us a great foundation and springboard for growth. I don’

It seems that my brain may also need to go on a diet. I was thinking about this earlier this morning. It’s hard when I look at myself in the mirror sometimes because I still see my obese self, even though my brain and body know that I’m not. I certainly don’t even eat like an obese person either. My “fat” brain thinks I’m ugly and unworthy of affection. My “fat” brain doesn’t want attention. My “fat’ brain just sucks and needs to just go away already. My lighter brain, however, is starting to see some positive physical attributes in me, such as strong calves. My lighter brain wouldn’t mind being noticed sometimes. I need to lose my “fat” brain to make room for my lighter, more optimistic brain. Wow. I didn’t know that my brain needed to go on a diet as well! This recovery process is crazy! I thought that I’d mainly have to deal with physical challenges, but the mental challenges are proving even more difficult. I have more mood swings than I already have had in the past. I

I have been working out regularly—never thought I’d say that last year! —since June 15 th , 2017. That’s a little over 2 weeks. It has been challenging, but worth it. I love being consistent in the healthy habit of exercise. Yeah, I said that I love exercise. Weird. So, in a way, I’m glad that the blood clot was a wake-up call to get active. What I’m not happy about, however, is that despite my best efforts, I am at a plateau. I haven’t lost any more weight. I know that a year or so after weight loss surgery, the rapid weight loss, or “honeymoon” period ends and weight loss is harder to maintain, but dang, it’s soul crushing. Also, I just read an article from The Cleveland Clinic that says that weight gain after exercise is common due to water shifting in the body and muscle gain, plus the recovery process. Well, duh. I’m sure I’ve read this in some fitness magazine in the past, but I forgot. It doesn’t make things any easier to deal with, but at least I have an explanation.

This month has been going by so fast! Since my last entry, I have been busy working to complete my first online Master’s English class and trying to stay positive even though I am still experiencing complications at a little over a year post gastric bypass. Also, at the beginning of this month, I went into a local hospital for testing, and they found a blood clot in my left leg! I had to go straight from Radiology to the Emergency Room. Yikes! Thank goodness that my Dad was with me and that my mom was brought up by him later when I had to stay overnight. Now I am on blood thinners. Fun. But it could be worse. The blood clot could have gone to my lung and I would have died. Seriously. I am now working to increase my physical activity, even though I’m constantly tired, because it helps reduce the risk of blood clots. Also, I want to lose more weight. I’ve been in maintenance mode for several months now, which I guess is better than weight gain, but being at a stall when I am

Two good things: -           I visited my therapist yesterday. -           Today is my mother’s 64 th birthday! Not a day over 35! I love this woman! Therapy turned out to be very helpful, even though I hadn’t been able to attend since Valentine’s Day for various reasons. My therapist (a Female) and I had a catch-up session. My eating (or lack of, really) was a definite topic for discussion. While my therapist isn’t sure on how to exactly help me with my food aversion and eating issues (it’s not her job, though), she was very sympathetic. I told her that my eating is like one big science experiment gone wrong. I’m basically like a finicky toddler, digestion-wise. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, but persistent nausea and vomiting makes it difficult. My therapist was concerned, though, about acid damaging my esophagus, but I haven’t had any issues so far. Thank goodness! I also asked my therapist about the possibility of having an eating disorder, but she t

I went to my primary care doctor on Wednesday. While he is pleased with my progress, I am not. I have maintained my overall weight loss, yet I am now stalled. I am about 20 pounds away from “Onederland” (as it is known in the weight loss surgery community), or being under 200 pounds. I should be happy, right? Yet I am not, and that bothers me. I am learning day by day that recovery from weight loss surgery and food addictions is a lifelong process, and it doesn’t end several weeks out of the hospital. Change is inevitable, yes, but it also takes time . The problem is that I have never been a patient person. Case in point: I was born two months prematurely. So when it comes to where I’m at in my recovery process, I want to be done already. It’s been a little over a year now. Where’s my happy ending? I guess that was a stupid question. Why should I expect happiness in my life just because I survived a near fatal operation? Other people survive much worse things. At least I

Hello. My name is Vanessa, and I’m…. NOT a food addict??? I used to think that I was. In fact, right up until about thirty minutes ago, when I started browsing videos online about food addiction. I’d been reading a bariatric support blog, this one being Bariatric Girl ( http://www.bariatricgirl.com/ ), and I found this blog post about cross addictions after weight loss (such as alcohol, shopping, sex, exercise, etc.), and this video was mentioned: http://www.oprah.com/own-addicted-to-food/Exposed-Withdrawal-Pains This video is short, but very moving and poignant. I could relate to both Tinisha’s and Tennie’s emotional experiences, now that I am a year post gastric bypass. Yet I still needed to know more. So I went onto YouTube and simply typed in, “Addicted to Food”, and I found this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BbWaB3RiTI This is from The Institute for the Psychology of Eating, which, surprisingly, having majored in Psychology, didn’t even know existe

Hey everyone! Yes, it's been ONE YEAR since my gastric bypass weight loss surgery! I can't believe this time has come. It's been a rough ride, but I am continuing this journey, no matter what. I've worked too hard and come too far to turn back now. My brain is just going to have to catch up with my new body. That's what I've been realizing lately. Yes, there are days when I literally have a funeral for the foods that I can't (and don't NEED or WANT to) eat anymore, but then days like this remind me that it's not worth the agony and weight gain. Today, I managed to walk down my block and visit several places: the convenience store, the post office, the neighborhood Goodwill, and the library, and it felt so good. There was even a nice breeze and sunshine going too. I would have never had the stamina to do this a year ago. Time really does make a difference. Anything could happen in a year, a month, a day, an hour, or even a minute or second. So d

Two blog posts in one week, and consecutively? Nice! I had another letter to write in my open letter challenge tonight that I thought would be appropriate for this blog, as it has to do with the one thing I have despised the most in my life--my own body. Here it is. Warning: it's really personal. Yet I am willing to be vulnerable in sharing this anyway, as it is part of my weight loss journey. Dear Body, I have to be honest and admit that I have never liked you, ever. I have loathed your existence ever since I was made aware of the fact that I was overweight as a child, and eventually, obese until 2016, when I had gastric bypass surgery. I have always de-emphasized and minimized you because you were a constant source of public spectacle, ridicule, and embarrassment. I instead chose to be cerebral and neurotic, existing mainly from the neck up, especially my mind. In fact, even though I have lost weight. I still despise you greatly. You are still completely uncooperative a

I wrote this letter as part of an open letter challenge that I started at the beginning of this year, and then resumed this month. Today, the option was to write a letter of my choice, and fittingly, I decided to write a letter to my gastric bypass surgery. Doing this exercise was very helpful, and I hope it gives you insight on my progress. Thank you for reading. Dear Gastric Bypass, You have provided me with many positives and new opportunities. Even though I nearly died after surgery last year, I am still grateful for what you have done and allowed me to accomplish in a short amount of time. In less than a year, I have lost 150 pounds and am currently maintaining it. I went from being 360 pounds and a size 26/28, even a size 30 in some stores, and now I am an 18/20, which allows me to shop at more regular and socially acceptable stores. I have a greater desire to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, as well as attempt to socialize, if only for a short time. I feel li

Went to a gastroenterologist (a stomach doctor) yesterday afternoon. He was really nice and thorough, but there was basically nothing  he could do. He explained that the gastric bypass surgery is doing what it is intended to do-- to help me lose weight. Gastric bypass causes food aversion, or lack of desire or appetite to eat, nausea, and vomiting. These symptoms are related to my surgery, and are common. Often, the food goes straight from the new stomach pouch to the new bowel. In short, anything I eat now goes straight through me without any time to settle, or digest. So there are only two options: what goes in must go up, or down. Also, since food has no time to settle, it is not being processed, which, hence, causes weight loss. The surgery was meant to cause malabsorption. Malabsorption is basically when the body does not digest food and its nutrients very well. And often, malabsorption leads to malnutrition, which is why I need the protein shakes since it is difficult for me

So, I went to my primary care doctor today for my monthly check-up. It took THREE HOURS  before I could have a 15 MINUTE  visit with him. Yeah. I love my primary care doctor. He's really nice and knowledgeable and respectful, but he takes FOREVER !!! There's some precious time I will never get back. Thank goodness that I have a more flexible and lenient schedule than most. And I was able to get a nap afterward, so there's that. Basically, I have to just tough things out. I'm seeing a gastroenterologist (stomach doctor) next week, so I'll see what they have to say. After that, then I may have a clearer idea on what to do. Yet temptation is everywhere!!!!! This is what I made Mom for dinner tonight. A big 'ol plate of Mac and Cheese. Fun. This is what I'm attempting to eat tonight. Less than 1/2 cup of Mac and Cheese, with a toddler fork. Yeah. This is what adulting feels like. I can't escape the real world. I can't escape food. Food is

Just received a very sobering phone call from a "Patient Advocate" with a bariatric specialist. The long and short of it: The doctor (who I will not name) thinks that I am a candidate for a revision surgery. Basically, I would have to go back into the ER, this time, in San Antonio, and make my stomach pouch even smaller. Whoa. Then she gave me the price. $20,000. Paid in full, before surgery, with NO financing options.  Seriously. She said it like it was nothing. Like she was just breathing. Like everyone has $20 K in their back pocket. Then she tried to reassure me that the surgery would be really simple, only three days tops. Yet I would have to spend at least two weeks recovering at home. I wouldn't need physical therapy or home health care either, she said. But what if I don't recover on that time table? What if there's another complication during surgery? What if I go into ANOTHER COMA?!? So yeah, I was pretty freaked. There's also 5

I wrote this statement earlier, just as Valentine's Day 2017 was ending, and then I ended up having an intense discussion with my mother about the present situation and my frustration. I can't go into specifics, but basically we reached an agreement that while things may seem hard and bleak right now, it doesn't make sense for me to try to do things on my own (like travel) just yet. I need to give myself and my body time to adjust to surgery and heal. Because right now, I'm in survival mode. My body is fighting against me every day. It's constantly kicking my ass, and I'm trying to stay strong. But a person can only take so much. So I will just try to implement my coping strategies (including blogging!) and try to be patient. So, now, this is what I love about me: I love that I am strong, inside and out. After all the changes that have happened to me this year, I’ve realized that I am a lot tougher than I think I am. Even emotionally, surprisingly. I have f

Hi. My name is Vanessa. I'm 29 years old. I'm a Black female living in South Texas, and I work as a home health care aide. It's hard sometimes, but I basically get paid to hang out with one of the most awesome people on Earth, and help them navigate through their daily life. Also, while I am facing many challenges, I am grateful to be alive. That is because I almost died  last year. In March 2016, I was in a medically induced coma for two weeks after complications from gastric bypass weight loss surgery. When I woke up, all I could see (after the blurriness wore off) was my grief-stricken mother, bursting into tears of joy because I could finally open my eyes and hold her hand. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for her. Ever. No one ever told me how or why it happened to this day. Complications from weight loss surgery happen all the time.  This is from the Mayo Clinic.  It's why you sign a million forms the day you register for surgery (mine wa

Hello. Welcome to Peace, Love, and Protein Shakes, my bariatric blog. My name is Vanessa and I am 29 years old. I had Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass in March 2016. Why am I just starting to blog about this now? Well, for one, I've had a lot of complications. Two, I am still processing my feelings about this process and where I am in my weight loss journey. I have had so many ups and downs for over two decades with my weight loss, and my problems aren't going to go away overnight. At the end of the day, my surgery was a tool, and now I have to use it properly in order to maximize my weight loss and ensure my overall success. A bit of a disclaimer: I am NOT a weight loss expert. I am not advertising or endorsing any type of weight loss procedure or surgery in any way. I am not suggesting anything against having weight loss surgery either. This blog is mainly a narrative in which I will use from time to time to process and outline my weight loss journey, successes, and struggles. It