Dear Gastric Bypass
I wrote this letter as part of an open letter challenge that I started at the beginning of this year, and then resumed this month. Today, the option was to write a letter of my choice, and fittingly, I decided to write a letter to my gastric bypass surgery. Doing this exercise was very helpful, and I hope it gives you insight on my progress. Thank you for reading.
Dear Gastric Bypass,
You have provided me with many positives and new opportunities. Even though I nearly died after surgery last year, I am still grateful for what you have done and allowed me to accomplish in a short amount of time. In less than a year, I have lost 150 pounds and am currently maintaining it. I went from being 360 pounds and a size 26/28, even a size 30 in some stores, and now I am an 18/20, which allows me to shop at more regular and socially acceptable stores. I have a greater desire to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, as well as attempt to socialize, if only for a short time. I feel like I am a phoenix, risen and reborn, as if I've come back to life.
However, as with most things in life, I have experienced numerous negatives and setbacks. I had to undergo physical therapy and use a walker for several months after experiencing partial paralysis in the hospital after awakening from my medically induced coma. I was also bedridden and dependent on my parents (which was awkward to say the least, since they were separated). I used disposable wipes and other medical supplies to maintain a somewhat basic level of cleanliness. Eventually, I progressed to using a bath chair until November 2016, when I finally felt somewhat ready to stand in the shower on my own. Now I can stand and walk for longer periods of time, thank goodness, yet I still experience a lot of fatigue.
This is mainly because I have experienced a lot of nausea and vomiting since I have come home from the hospital in May 2016, which has resulted in food aversion. Even the sight of food repulses me at times. Smells and tastes also trigger my dislike of food. I cannot even tolerate a single bite of meat. If I could go permanently without eating, I would. It would be especially easier if I didn't have to witness the rest of the world around me eat as they please, but that is for The Creator to control, not me. I must endure and contend with my personal circumstances and predicament.
Don't get me wrong, though. I have admitted that you have done a lot for me, and I will never forget that or be thankful enough. Yet I have a lot of remorse, and a great deal of regret at times. Sometimes I wonder if it were better for me to have remained morbidly obese, especially when head hunger hits and I have a craving for "normal" food. At least I could eat before surgery. I used to look forward to a meal. Now I have nightmares about food. Then when I try to push myself to the stage where I should be at this point post-op, according to the literature the hospital gave me when I left, which is to have eaten solid food SEVERAL months ago, uneasiness kicks in, and I'm back to a liquid diet, which is far from appealing or palatable to say the least.
Yet I am thankful for your usefulness and utility as the tool that I need to learn how to control and manage my food addiction and intake. Each time I reject a food, it reinforces the lesson to choose healthier options (most times, a protein drink or Greek yogurt) and further increases my weight loss, which keeps me focused on my ultimate weight loss and health goals. It is a double-edged sword, a blessing and a curse.
I have considered giving up many times. Yet there are little things, non-scale victories that keep me going, like being able to zip up jeans and have room in the waistband, the ability to put on my socks and shoes independently and bend down to tie my own shoes, and being able to buckle a seat belt without feeling suffocated or having the strap cut into my neck. In these moments, I am redeemed and triumphant; my purpose for living has been revived in some way.
I know that I contradicted myself in this letter, but I hope that I have made my point that this surgery has a lot of ups and downs, like most things in life, yet I am still alive and continuing to fight. I am down, but not out. The fat lady has sung, but my life is far from over.
There is a saying that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". Yet I have a different perspective.
Nothing tastes as good as healthier feels.
Healthier means progress. Healthier means one more day than yesterday. Healthier gives me hope. So healthier tastes better than any food, even a Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich at Whataburger, which I can't have anymore, ever. For a citizen of Corpus Christi, Texas, not eating at Whataburger is practically sacrilege, a complete insult, but this is the breaks of bariatric life and having weight loss surgery. Don't even get me started on breakfast tacos and fried chicken, either.
Yet I will not let my circumstances be an excuse or dictate my future. I am a different person now, and I have to accept that. Writing this letter is definitely a major step in that direction.
I know that this journey will still have more twists and turns, and I may get depressed from time to time and continue to mourn and miss the foods I used to eat pre-op, but I will persist anyway.
Thank you, gastric bypass. I cannot say that enough. Thank you.
Peace always,
Vanessa
Dear Gastric Bypass,
You have provided me with many positives and new opportunities. Even though I nearly died after surgery last year, I am still grateful for what you have done and allowed me to accomplish in a short amount of time. In less than a year, I have lost 150 pounds and am currently maintaining it. I went from being 360 pounds and a size 26/28, even a size 30 in some stores, and now I am an 18/20, which allows me to shop at more regular and socially acceptable stores. I have a greater desire to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, as well as attempt to socialize, if only for a short time. I feel like I am a phoenix, risen and reborn, as if I've come back to life.
However, as with most things in life, I have experienced numerous negatives and setbacks. I had to undergo physical therapy and use a walker for several months after experiencing partial paralysis in the hospital after awakening from my medically induced coma. I was also bedridden and dependent on my parents (which was awkward to say the least, since they were separated). I used disposable wipes and other medical supplies to maintain a somewhat basic level of cleanliness. Eventually, I progressed to using a bath chair until November 2016, when I finally felt somewhat ready to stand in the shower on my own. Now I can stand and walk for longer periods of time, thank goodness, yet I still experience a lot of fatigue.
This is mainly because I have experienced a lot of nausea and vomiting since I have come home from the hospital in May 2016, which has resulted in food aversion. Even the sight of food repulses me at times. Smells and tastes also trigger my dislike of food. I cannot even tolerate a single bite of meat. If I could go permanently without eating, I would. It would be especially easier if I didn't have to witness the rest of the world around me eat as they please, but that is for The Creator to control, not me. I must endure and contend with my personal circumstances and predicament.
Don't get me wrong, though. I have admitted that you have done a lot for me, and I will never forget that or be thankful enough. Yet I have a lot of remorse, and a great deal of regret at times. Sometimes I wonder if it were better for me to have remained morbidly obese, especially when head hunger hits and I have a craving for "normal" food. At least I could eat before surgery. I used to look forward to a meal. Now I have nightmares about food. Then when I try to push myself to the stage where I should be at this point post-op, according to the literature the hospital gave me when I left, which is to have eaten solid food SEVERAL months ago, uneasiness kicks in, and I'm back to a liquid diet, which is far from appealing or palatable to say the least.
Yet I am thankful for your usefulness and utility as the tool that I need to learn how to control and manage my food addiction and intake. Each time I reject a food, it reinforces the lesson to choose healthier options (most times, a protein drink or Greek yogurt) and further increases my weight loss, which keeps me focused on my ultimate weight loss and health goals. It is a double-edged sword, a blessing and a curse.
I have considered giving up many times. Yet there are little things, non-scale victories that keep me going, like being able to zip up jeans and have room in the waistband, the ability to put on my socks and shoes independently and bend down to tie my own shoes, and being able to buckle a seat belt without feeling suffocated or having the strap cut into my neck. In these moments, I am redeemed and triumphant; my purpose for living has been revived in some way.
I know that I contradicted myself in this letter, but I hope that I have made my point that this surgery has a lot of ups and downs, like most things in life, yet I am still alive and continuing to fight. I am down, but not out. The fat lady has sung, but my life is far from over.
There is a saying that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". Yet I have a different perspective.
Nothing tastes as good as healthier feels.
Healthier means progress. Healthier means one more day than yesterday. Healthier gives me hope. So healthier tastes better than any food, even a Honey BBQ Chicken Strip Sandwich at Whataburger, which I can't have anymore, ever. For a citizen of Corpus Christi, Texas, not eating at Whataburger is practically sacrilege, a complete insult, but this is the breaks of bariatric life and having weight loss surgery. Don't even get me started on breakfast tacos and fried chicken, either.
Yet I will not let my circumstances be an excuse or dictate my future. I am a different person now, and I have to accept that. Writing this letter is definitely a major step in that direction.
I know that this journey will still have more twists and turns, and I may get depressed from time to time and continue to mourn and miss the foods I used to eat pre-op, but I will persist anyway.
Thank you, gastric bypass. I cannot say that enough. Thank you.
Peace always,
Vanessa
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