Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Hello. My name is Vanessa, and I’m….
NOT a food addict???
I used to think that I was. In fact, right up until
about thirty minutes ago, when I started browsing videos online about food
addiction. I’d been reading a bariatric support blog, this one being Bariatric
Girl (http://www.bariatricgirl.com/),
and I found this blog post about cross addictions after weight loss (such as
alcohol, shopping, sex, exercise, etc.), and this video was mentioned:
This video is short, but very moving and poignant. I
could relate to both Tinisha’s and Tennie’s emotional experiences, now that I
am a year post gastric bypass. Yet I still needed to know more.
So I went onto YouTube and simply typed in, “Addicted
to Food”, and I found this video:
This is from The Institute for the Psychology of
Eating, which, surprisingly, having majored in Psychology, didn’t even know
existed. I didn’t study food addiction much in college. I have lived it,
believe me, at being almost 400 pounds pre-op, but I didn’t know all of the
terminology and science behind “food addiction”.
This video did change my perspective a bit. I don’t
want to give any spoilers in case you didn’t click the link, but basically, it’s
not about being addicted to the act of eating as much as it is being addicted to
a certain food or types of food. I may have spoiled it a bit, but the takeaway
message is important because it’s the point I’m trying to make in this blog
post.
Yes, I have had problems with food in my past. I’m
still dealing with problems with food right now. My brain is trying to catch up
to my body still, and it’s really frustrating. Seriously. It’s been A FREAKING
YEAR already! Doesn’t my brain know that I’ve had gastric bypass and that I
need to just get with the program and stop wanting to eat so much? Will there
ever be a day when I can watch a commercial or see a food advertisement either
in print, online, or on a billboard and NOT want it? Or am I just stuck? I don’t
know.
Yet seeing these videos has opened my eyes to a new
reality.
I am Vanessa, and I am not addicted to eating.
I am addicted to a certain type of eating and foods
that I used to be able to eat in my past, but due to changes in my physical
composition, can no longer have. So now I am detoxing, hard core, and even
though it’s been A FREAKING YEAR, I still have withdrawal symptoms. I still
crave Whataburger, and sandwiches in general. I have tried to compromise with “kid’s”
meals, but no go. It just doesn’t work. Moderation is NOT possible for me. It
wasn’t pre-op, so why would I expect for it to be post-op. Nuh-uh. My mind just
doesn’t work that way. I am naturally driven to excess. I always go above and
beyond. I go “hard” in just about everything I do. Ask anyone who’s ever met
me. In school, for example, I was known for beating page-length requirements in
essays. If a teacher wanted 3 pages, I wrote ten, on principle. That’s just who
I was. High-strung and obnoxious, yes, but back then, I was driven by the need
to succeed and was very achievement-oriented. It’s funny how so laid-back and
type B (or even sometimes C) I am now. My 18 year old self would be tripping
hardcore right now reading this entry, most likely, thinking, “What do you mean
you DON’T want to eat? What is wrong with you???”
So now I’m wondering, how can I re-identify myself and
move on? How can I function as a person if I simply am unable to eat like my
non-weight loss surgery (or even recovered) counterparts? Eating is a basic
human function. It’s like breathing.
Yet I am not.
I am flailing on the ground like a fish out of water,
and I can’t get back in the bowl. Nor do I wish to.
Because the bowl that I
have been in for almost thirty years has been a stagnant cesspool of mediocrity
that led me to almost lose my life at almost 400 pounds. So no. I don’t want to
go back. I want to go forward as the new woman I am today, just with a
healthier relationship toward food. I thought gastric bypass would be the tool
to do that, but obviously…. I was wrong. Now what?
How do I make peace with an unsuspecting enemy that is
also a necessary evil? I can’t quit food entirely. I have to eventually start
eating again, somehow. I just can’t seem to make that happen, and no, it is not
ALL IN MY HEAD. You don’t get how this works until you get this surgery and
have been inside my body, and even then, I wouldn’t want you to, because this
is hell. I have said this before to myself about different things, like my
battle with mental illness, but that I have learned to deal with more
effectively. I have learned to dance with the demons of depression.
Yet I cannot entertain these “food addiction” clowns.
I cannot continue to obsess about a cheeseburger or chicken strips or breakfast
tacos. I’d kill to be able to even eat an apple at this point, honestly, but oh
well. The point, if I can seem to make it right now, is that I know food is a
part of life, but right now, my body doesn’t want to play along. So I’m on the
fence, sitting on the sidelines of life, and it’s hard. I’m getting out more
and becoming more visible to others as well, and I can tell that my lack of
eating affects them to some degree. Like, why is this grown woman ordering a
KID’S meal? Seriously. I’ve always been a sensitive, emphatic person, so I’m
naturally tuned in to what others are saying—and what they’re not. I don’t “read
minds”, but I can sense things.
I don’t expect the world to roll out the red carpet
because I want to get my health game on. Yet I have to live in this world,
right? I have to participate at some point. I’ve been on the outside looking in
my whole life, and if after losing all this weight I STILL am on the outside,
then what was the point of all of this? What was the point of me practically
DYING and coming back to life if I am still barely breathing at all?
And that is where I am at, folks. The crossroads.
Should I stay or should I go?
I don’t know.
I don’t expect you to tell me either. Nor am I sure
that I want you to, either.
So I wait.
Until next time.
Peace, love, and protein shakes!
--Vanessa
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